Cum-centric, Partner-centric Enculturation

We are products of our cultures, and often victims of it. Men do not wear skirts or makeup. (If they do, they are considered "crossdressers" to underscore their departure from the cultural norm.) Men can be seen barechested in certain public settings, but women cannot. If we wear the wrong fashion, we look dated.

We are strongly influenced by what those around us think and believe, and unless we consciously depart from the norm, our thoughts and beliefs mirror that norm. We live in a cesspool of shoulds, should nots, alienation and ridicule to quickly pull us back into the cage should we wander away from magnetic north. Our lives are a soup of arbitrary standards, while someone a continent away has a differing set of arbitrary standards and looks upon us as a bit odd.

I have blogged before about changing the paradigm from the goal of cumming to the goal of not cumming. It is the epitome of counter-culture. Our Western enculturation is totally cum-centric and no one questions it.

Movies are rife with sex scenes. Sex is a staple of TV programming. Yet none ever depict edging (or make G-rated reference to it), let alone denial. Not to cum is unheard of. The classic scene is the after-sex cigarette. Was it as good for you as it was for me?

I often chat online with men unfamiliar with the concept. Most cannot imagine it. "Don't you like to nut?" Even those who show an interest in the idea will often follow up with, "I bet when you do blow it is huge." There we go again, the cum-centric notion that sooner or later it all boils down to ejaculation, that the purpose of edging is to enhance the final climax.

I don't edge to enhance or improve ejaculation. I edge to prevent ejaculation.

My online friend Phill recently wrote: "For me a big part of edging without ejaculating has been de-conditioning myself from believing that 'horniness' is somehow a negative or unfulfilled state. I don't know why, exactly, but the overwhelming attitude of society - and one that's ingrained in males - is that sexual arousal is something to get rid of as quickly and often as possible. The biggest part of the discipline is learning to feel insatiability and constant horniness as a positive state, not as something that has to be 'relieved'."

Exactly. We are enculturated to understand that horniness is something to be gotten rid of. Make it go away. The prowl, the hunt, the conquest is all about making horniness go away.

I have watched many an Xtube video where, within the course of three minutes, someone starts out fully clothed, gives a strip tease followed by a quick masturbation, whereupon they blow their load. Three minutes. Most of these pump with a rapid, even frantic, stroke - no understanding that one might coax something more exotic from ones cock. They think they have accomplished something noteworthy enough to post for public viewing, and apparently most viewers agree, based on the comments and ratings these videos receive. I can only assume that after they turn off the camera, they clean up the mess and go in the other room to watch TV. The party is over, and the party is over quickly.

On those rare occasions when an Xtube video does not culminate in ejaculation, invariably commentators will post "Please cum for us next time." I have a friend who watches Xtube videos when he visits me. He easily grows bored with extended scenes of prolonged stimulation and fast forwards to the money shot.

Many summers ago, after a session with my very first boyfriend, I remarked that there was always such a mess to clean up after ejaculation, that I wished orgasm didn't involve the mess. He replied, "No! Then you wouldn't be able to cum." I am thinking, "Um, and your point would be?" But I didn't voice these thoughts. At the time, this had nothing to do with edging and denial, which were unknown concepts to me, but only a commentary on the physical messiness of the process. But it was an early introduction to the assumption that ejaculation was important and expected, an inextricable element of the sexual process.

When I mention my uncummedness to most men, the reaction often implies that something is wrong. At the least, my behavior is incomprehensible. This is based on the cum-centric mindset we have all been programmed to. We somehow learn that not to cum is a deprivation, and an unnatural deprivation at that.

More pointedly, this is a reflection of how our cocks control us. It is the cock that insists on cumming as often as possible. And our culture has eaten it up and made it part of our liturgy. The cock not only demands that we masturbate often, moreover it demands that we masturbate to orgasm. We have learned that anything less is tantamount to a violation, an abrogation of our male birthright to ejaculate. The cock continues to call the shots and control our sexuality, rather than us controlling the experience.

Edging and cum denial go counter to everything our culture teaches us from the time we are boys too young to understand what we are hearing. No wonder the exploration of these things can seem so freakish.

Asian and Eastern cultures would not find this nearly so odd. The ancient Kama Sutra advises a man to withhold his semen. Tantric yoga has been around for centuries, and cum denial is among its principles.

I enjoy watching Xtube videos of Asian masturbators, because many of them seem to hold back longer, are less obsessed with hurrying up the climax, less inclined to lose control of the process and let the cock take over. It is prevalent enough in Asian videos that I am inclined to believe it is a cultural phenomenon. I am particularly fascinated with a certain subset of Asian videos involving multiple orgasms. Just before ejaculation, the masturbator stops stroking (unheard of among Westerners) and allows a hands-free oozing of semen. In a moment they resume stroking. The cock remains stiff and aroused, because the cock is not finished. I've seen as many as four partial ejaculations in a row before the cock is spent. Somehow they learn this solo technique, as it goes counter to the reflex and impulse to get it over with, so presumably it is something communicated from one male to another.

Similar to the stock reaction I get from most men who discover I prefer not to ejaculate, when I mention my solosexuality, there is an implied suggestion that something is incomplete, just like edging without ejaculation is incomplete. Masturbation is something men do in the absence of a partner, at best a second rate substitute for a partner.

Watch enough Hallmark movies, watch enough TV, listen to enough songs, read enough books, browse enough magazines - hell, live on the planet long enough - and it becomes ingrained in us that we are to be partnered. Being unpaired is somehow a transitional state experienced along the path toward mating and fulfillment.

I recently heard the late Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" on the radio. The lyrics go on and on about "Sitting here eating my heart out waiting" and "Don't want another night on my own." The entire song communicates how the absence of a partner is an empty void and we are in a state of suspension until we can hook up. We learn what we hear.

Masturbation is somehow a failure on some level, a grudging stand-in for the Real Thing. I have elaborated on this elsewhere in the "Solosexuality" essay and won't rehash it here.

End of sermon. I offer no particular resolution here or Moral to the Story, other than to propose that we at least be cognizant of the cultural influences that shape our sexual perceptions, the cultural givens that might not be appropriate for who we have become. We can broaden our spheres and assimilate practices that reflect our own unique needs and desires.