Obsession

I am Cock.

Obsession is a relentless spiral that feeds on itself.  Masturbation makes the cock want to cum.  When ejaculation is denied, the cock wants more masturbation.  Masturbation produces a driving desire to cum.  The desire to cum produces a driving desire to masturbate.  Masturbation prepares the cock to ejaculate, the balls churning, the prostate loaded and full, the cock slit leaking precum.  As long as ejaculation is postponed, the cock continues to prepare. 

The cock can prepare to cum for weeks.  Meaning, the compulsion to masturbate never goes away.  The longer I go without cumming, the more Cock becomes an all-consuming obsession.  I live and breath Cock.  Cock becomes my primary passion.  Time divides itself into only two simple categories:  time spent masturbating and time spent thinking about masturbating.  Which is not to say I spend every free minute doing it.  But I spend about every free minute thinking about doing it.

The Cock craves.  The Cock hungers.  The Cock wants, and then wants more.  The longer I go without cumming, the more I want to cum.  The more I masturbate uncummed, the more I want to masturbate.  The dog chases its own tail.  I become Cock.

I reach a state where my existence is devoted to Cock.  Every waking hour is some aspect of Cock.  Cock is always in my consciousness.  I am Cock.

Errands and chores always seem like inconvenient interruptions into my cock-centered life, but even when out and about I am still cognizant of the cock energy around me.  I manage to go to work five days a week, I do my shopping like everyone else, I even do volunteer work.  But I am always thinking about when I can get back to my primary business of Cock.  Even when occupied at work, in the back of my mind I project forward to my next opportunity to commune with my own cock.  I wake up in the night moaning my uncummedness.

Addiction:

Some would label this a sex addiction, and I will not be the one to deny it, but I look around me and see people who fritter away their hours sitting in front of the TV, or trolling Facebook or making the rounds of the taverns.  In the end there is not much to show for their time.  I could do much worse for how I choose to spend my time.

I have discussed this addiction with other obsessive masturbators and have often heard the rationalization that it is a "good addiction" - whatever that is.  Is caffeine addiction good or bad?  At the least, this might not be as destructive as some other addictions.

But it is still addiction.

Given the choice between watching a reality show on TV or masturbation, I masturbate (my own form of reality).  There are many things I do not do, many things that go undone because I am masturbating.  Stuff gets put off.  Not necessarily procrastination, I'm just pre-occupied doing something else.  I'll do my banking later, shopping will have to wait, the blown-down limbs in the yard are still in the yard.  I don't want to stop.  Sometimes I don't stop when I should be going to bed.  Just one more round.

I have been a masturbator since I was twelve years old.  Ten years ago I bought my first webcam and saw what my cock really looks like.  The fixation ramped up to a higher level.  Learning to edge was transformative, because now I could work on my cock for hours at a time with no ejaculation to make me stop.  That is when the solosexual addiction really took hold.

Heightened Awareness:

The contradictory dynamic between man and cock is central to my present state of being.  I control my cock's ejaculatory function.  Yet that same cock controls me, in the addictive sense.

Withholding the release that is orgasm forces my attention to stay centered on Cock.  Unejaculated, I exist in a constant state of horniness.  Horniness is no longer a condition to be gotten rid of, as most men see it.  I am addicted to horniness.  I NEED to not cum.

In this heightened state of Cock awareness, I not only notice, but actively examine the male energy of every male I encounter.  I silently commune with their maleness.  It is all about maleness.  All about Cock.  I see a man in public and assume he masturbates.  I wonder which hand he uses.

Cock Focus:

And so the universe revolves around Cock.  The world is Cock.

Few men have the faintest awareness of this, and even fewer the faintest idea why one would choose to do this.  Every once in a while someone watching me masturbate on webcam will ask me to show my face/chest/ass.  (Somehow, these are usually guys who have no cam themselves.)  They miss the point and certainly don't understand my essence.  Guys will invite me to control their cocks.  Control your own cock.  I am too busy controlling mine.

There is a delightful little book called "The Practice of the Presence of God," a small compilation of letters from a monk who was a lowly cook in a monastery 300 years ago.  His spiritual practice was to try always to keep God in the forefront of his mind.  Even if he was peeling potatoes, God was ever present in his consciousness.  Similarly, one becomes the Practice of the Presence of Cock.

The Uncummed Cock:

I know men who have gone 100 days without cumming.  I have done it myself.  Others have gone a year or more, actively masturbating, withholding their load.  It is do-able.

When I hit the edge, my entire body glows.  Chills emanate from my groin and flow up my abs and into my face.  I can feel the endorphins pumping into my system.  I am addicted to the endorphins.  None of this is possible if an early ejaculation brings it all crashing to an end.

The other night I sat on the bed staring at my cock, not touching him.  How amazing, the male sexual system:  the cockhead, the leaking slit, the flare around the base of the head, the sweet spot, the shaft, the prostate, the testicles, tubes, nerves, triggers.  All of this is interconnected:  edging, denial, solosexuality, obsession, anatomy.

The uncummed cock is never satisfied.  He always craves more.  I don't want to stop - I'm not done yet.  The uncummed cock is never done,

I am Cock.  I am only Cock.  I am nothing but Cock.